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The Bedroom is Getting Crowded by Yael Ebenstein, Ph.D.

In the film "The Story of Us," Katie and Ben Jordan are a married couple struggling to save their 15-year relationship. Midway through the movie, Katie and Ben are laying on their bed, sharing a warm and loving moment when tension mounts and things go awry.

Suddenly, each one pictures their parents laying alongside them in bed. Katie hears her mother complaining about her father in the same way that she is frustrated with Ben. Is she reliving her parents' troubled marriage? On the other side, Ben hears his mother urging him to "let hard times bring you together"– so he tries to persuade Katie to just ‘let it go.' But that makes her feel invalidated, reinforcing her anxiety. Gone is a tender moment, replaced by a feeling of distance.

This scene spells out vividly the roles each family of origin plays within this marriage. While couples often think their relationships are really just about two people, the reality is that we bring our families into every aspect of our lives. Including our bedrooms.

By the time a couple walk into an office for therapy, each person has a rigid view of what constitutes the problems and what needs to be changed. Lovers are very invested in the subject matter of a fight – who's right, who's wrong. At the moment, it feels crucial to tally who washes the dishes or who makes sound financial decisions. Yet are these fights really about dish-washing and money, or is the content a cover for a deeper problem?

Everyone is unknowingly and unwittingly influenced by their individual family history and culture. We all know those couples in which one member ishabitually late and the other compulsively on time, and each thinks the other is a problem. On the surface, this seems to be a conflict about time. But, it could actually be a conflict about manners, responsibility, or a host of other things. For example, in the punctual person's family of origin, being late might be considered rude, while in the other person's family it's no big deal. Thus, the conflict borrows its intensity not from the subject matter (time), but from the meaning of fifteen minutes (disrespect). Yet if the couple limits their conversation to the topic of time, they will never resolve the real underlying issue.

A tool that can help lay bare underlying assumptions and contexts is a genogram – a psychological family tree that highlights patterns, emotional connections, and expectations. A genogram maps out the structure of an individual's family of origin, tracing the generations that have affected his or her life. Akin to a more traditional family tree, a genogram comprises basic identifying data for each entry including date of birth/death, years married, divorce, adoptions, etc. The emotional ties between members of the family may also be described; for example, whether each relationship depicted in the genogram is close, conflictual, or distant. Critical family events may also be included as well as people outside the family who play an important role.

Constructing a genogram is as much art as it is science. A therapist helps to identify patterns. Is there a history of infidelity? Do family members tend to marry late in life? Is there a blueprint for choice of profession (i.e., are all the men in the family doctors)? How are love and affection expressed in the family? A genogram is a map of personal mythology. Insight into family's history and culture can foster a better understanding of an underlying dynamic, which is a product of the two "personal mythologies" in the couple.

Bagarozzi and Anderson (1989) wrote that "Personal myths serve the function of explaining and guiding human behavior... They give meaning to the past, establish continuity, define the present and provide direction for the future... The family of origin is where one's personal mythology has its genesis." In the example mentioned earlier, it may be that the punctual person feels rejected and devalued when his or partner is late, whereas the other member of the couple feels that the flexibility to arrive late is actually a sign of comfortableness with a loved one. These unspoken assumptions about time – which play a part in one's family culture – are rarely clarified or articulated. We are generally unaware of the feelings we have about time, for example, and the role it plays in our personal relationships. A genogram is a springboard which can facilitate the process of discovering these hidden issues which spark conflict with your partner.

Unraveling the secrets and mythologies of the greater world of people who have raised you is often the initial step to breaking down the walls that create distance between you and your partner.